January 5, 2025
The Medal of Freedom is the highest civilian award in the United States. It's given to individuals who have made "exceptional contributions" to society. Translation? Itâs the award they hand out when youâre too accomplished to ignore but not quite ready for your face on a stamp.
But have you ever stopped to wonder: How do I get one of these shiny badges of awesomeness? If you think it involves years of sacrifice, groundbreaking achievements, or unwavering patriotism, think again! This is America, where anything is possibleâand that includes accidentally earning the Medal of Freedom.
Letâs dive into some foolproof (and funny) ways you, too, can become a Medal of Freedom recipient.
1. Save a Cat (But Make It Epic)
Forget storming the beaches of Normandy or curing diseases. Real heroes are made in the suburbs.
Imagine this: You climb a tree to save Mrs. Jenkinsâ tabby, Fluffernutter. As the neighborhood cheers, someone records the whole thing on TikTok. It goes viral, Oprah calls, and next thing you knowâbam! Youâre on stage at the White House receiving the Medal of Freedom. Bonus points if Fluffernutter photobombs the ceremony.
2. Become a Meme
Cultural contributions matter. If youâve ever seen someone win this award for their work in the arts or media, you might have thought, "Wow, they must be a genius." Nope. All you need is to become a meme legend.
Remember the guy who dramatically sipped cranberry juice on a skateboard? Imagine if he also played the national anthem on a kazoo while doing it. Medal. Of. Freedom.
3. Invent Something Completely Unnecessary
Past recipients of the Medal of Freedom include scientists and inventors. But why cure cancer when you can give the world something it didnât know it needed?
For example:
- A toaster that tweets your breadâs temperature.
- Socks that vibrate to the beat of "The Star-Spangled Banner."
- A Roomba that whispers motivational quotes while it vacuums.
When people start calling you the âElon Musk of Uselessness,â your invite from the President is practically guaranteed.
4. Befriend a President
Letâs face it: knowing a President is the ultimate hack. History proves that if youâve spent any amount of time near a Commander-in-Chief, youâre in the running for a medal. Did you accidentally hold the door open for one at Starbucks? Medal. Did you pet their dog at a fundraiser? Medal.
Pro tip: Start stalking any politician with ambitions for 2028. Trust me, youâll be pinning that medal on your wall faster than you can say âcampaign trail.â
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5. Survive Something Ridiculous
America loves an underdog story. If you find yourself in a wacky, yet survivable, situation, congratulationsâyouâre halfway to Medal of Freedom fame. Think âaccidentally skydived into a shark tank but lived to tell the tale.â
The key is to turn your survival into a best-selling book or a feel-good Netflix special. By the time your third interview on Good Morning America rolls around, the Medal is practically being shipped via FedEx.
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6. Be Mysteriously Old and Adorable
Have you noticed that old people doing cute things always win awards? If youâre over 80 and still doing yoga, playing the harmonica, or baking pies for your local fire department, youâve got this in the bag. Bonus points if you have an adorable nickname like âGrandpa Freedomâ or âThe Medal Baker.â
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7. Tweet Your Way to the Top
In the age of social media, you donât need to change the worldâyou just need a killer Twitter account. Start with wholesome content, sprinkle in some inspirational quotes, and top it off with an occasional viral roasting of pineapple pizza. The internet will love you, and sooner or later, the President will too.
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Conclusion: Your Medal Awaits!
Getting the Medal of Freedom isnât as impossible as it seems. Whether you save Fluffernutter, survive a shark tank, or become the next meme sensation, remember this: The journey to greatness is paved with humor, luck, and maybe a tiny dose of actual effort.
So, whatâs your plan to win this prestigious prize? Share it in the commentsâor better yet, send this blog to the President. Iâm still waiting for my medal.
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